November 16, 2020
Prem Baba, how to be happy in marriage when things are not going well and you do everything you can to understand how to improve, but you just can’t? What to do?
First of all, I believe that the person in question wants to be really happy with their new family. After all, it takes three steps to do this. It’s necessary to identify some beliefs and one needs to become aware of what is causing the disturbance. This is the first step. So also the awareness of a repetition is as follows: the person got married a second time believing that this time they would be happy but things started to get complicated again. What I suggest is to study this complication. What’s bothering you? Even if, at first, it’s necessary to accuse the other within you. “I feel bad because the other person did this or that with me”. “I’m angry because of this”. In this way, it’s possible to map what the other is doing that bothers you. Is it a behavior? A word? What is it? Is it because the other rejects you? Is it because the other doesn’t consider you? It may be true, it may be a lie, but don’t question it, just identify what brings the imbalance.
Prem Baba, getting in touch with these kinds of feelings means a huge emotional burden. You feel victimized and it gets worse when you know that you depend on others to be happy. How to get out of this situation?
So, here comes the second step: to look inside and search for what is causing this situation. I have been very insistent on this subject, even repetitive. Because, perhaps, one of the most deeply rooted beliefs in the human being at this point in the evolutionary journey is the belief that you are the victim and the other is to blame for your unhappiness. I insist on the theme of self-responsibility because, as long as you do not realize that the one who is generating the disturbance is yourself, you will not be able to do anything about it. You are putting your life in the hands of others. Note that one of the most deeply rooted beliefs is that happiness depends on the other. Really question it. Does happiness really depend on the other? Can I really be happy only if the other is acting in one way or another? Therefore, the second step is this provocation of responsibility. Whose responsibility is my happiness? What is a belief and what is true
Prem Baba, how to take responsibility if you don’t see yourself as responsible?
At some point, for some reason, you gave the other the power of disturbance. And to be happy, you need to be treated in a certain way. For example: you believe that you can only be happy if the other person smiles at you and celebrates when you arrive. Notice how happiness has become a hostage to the belief system. In any case, the same way beliefs were created, they can be undone, because they are made up of thoughts. Ultimately, you are hostage to thoughts. Although a neural network has often been created in the cortex that induces you to think in a certain way, which is why a belief has so much power, it is possible to create other neural networks. It is possible to allow yourself to think differently. However, then you may ask: “Prem Baba, what happens to whoever takes responsibility?” I tell you: it’s an internal revolution. After becoming aware of what is bothering you within the relationship, I suggest you not to be distracted by anger or accusation. It’s a waste of time.
Prem Baba, the problem is that there are situations in which we cannot avoid being angry…
So, give way to anger, go back to yourself and try to identify what you are doing that causes this disturbance. Who in you is wanting and needing to repeat a conflict situation? Identify the part of your personality that needs to feel rejected, disregarded and humiliated, and question why.
Prem Baba, what is the third step?
In the meantime, when identifying this part that needs to feel rejected and humiliated, it’s necessary to try to dialogue with it. This part has autonomy and protects you from something. It was developed at a time when you were in great pain. Now, you will have to educate this part, and teach it that you no longer need this protection because you have grown up, and are mature enough to walk on your own legs. In fact, it’s a protection that has caused more destruction and suffering than security. It keeps you from touching the core of that pain that you once lived at any cost. This part believes that you will not endure this pain. But this is also a belief.
Prem Baba, how can we disassemble this pain, how can we do it?
You may need help to touch this pain, but not help from this protective part of your personality. You need help from the higher self. This protection that was created has a limitation. At first, for you not to touch that core of pain. It always acts the same way, sometimes it causes anger, sometimes it activates fear, it makes you close or it makes you run away. This is not smart because it limits your ascension, you go around in circles, and when you go around in circles, you feel like you are missing something. This feeling usually translates into sadness, depression and even panic. The third step in the process we are dealing with is education, the indoctrination of this part of the personality that you have identified. This education process involves the awareness of what is belief and what is not belief. The main tools are self-investigation and to keep the question: “is this really true?”
Prem Baba, could you exemplify this attitude from the third step?
First, do your best to avoid repetition, make the same fights, complain about the same things and accuse for the same reasons. Once perceived these actions, interrupt them, withdraw yourself, and go for a walk. It’s good to be quiet with yourself, doing this self-investigation. Just as it’s important to have the humility to apologize and acknowledge mistakes. Allow yourself to listen to the other, so little by little you will go through this phase of adjustments. This process of self-investigation can lead you to get in touch with other inner cores that are in need of healing. Parts that are supporting these false pain protectors.
Prem Baba, how are beliefs connected to relationships?
We assume that not everything we believe is true, although we often believe it is. We are driven by our beliefs and we realize how much a limiting belief system can generate suffering. In summary, we can say that we seek freedom to be who we really are, but we do not know who we really are, precisely because of so many beliefs about our identity. This is perhaps the central core of human conflicts, which are more objectively manifested in our relationships. It does not matter to whom this relationship is with, be it with people, situations and even with objects. Relationships are the field where we have both the opportunity to identify the beliefs that limit our spontaneity and the chance to become aware of our conflicts and limitations. Some people get annoyed when I say that, apart from all the romanticism, relationships are school material. Relationship involves a series of subtle and subjective aspects; it’s the field where connection, respect and love develop – the many dimensions of love. But relationships also transform.
In another text I answer questions about marriage, love and relationship. The idea is for you to understand that the other is a mirror that helps you see yourself. Read more here!
